5 Ways Surfers Can Avoid the Winter Months for Life


As a devout surfer the winter months in England can be a real pain in the rear. The water temperatures drop to minus a million, exposed parts of your body attempt to fall off without consent and some of the grumpiest people imaginable emerge from the wood work to have a go at you for no apparent reason when you return to your car (I think it's got a lot to do with the fact they think you're crazy for having been in the water for a few hours).

So I have devised the following sure fire ways that all surfers can avoid ever having to suffer through another winter in the future.

1. Become filthy rich. There are all sorts of reasons why this can be a good thing. No more eating cold beans out of a can or tuna & rice night after night just so you can afford beer and the petrol to get your board to the beach. No more working for someone you don't like to pay a mortgage on a house that smells with the wife you can no longer stand. Not to mention the fact you can say anything you like to anyone without fear of repercussions and you've got a more than sweet deal on your hands. But above all you can literally travel the World on an endless summer of surfing without needing to see another snow flake in your life. So what' stopping you? Ah yes, it's fairly hard if you're not a banker, C list celeb or have a conscience but still you can but try.

2. Turn Pro. A variation on the above in that you escape the winter months by getting sponsors to pay for you to be elsewhere. Granted you need to be fairly good at your sport if you're going to do this but hey don't the movies tell us that if you work hard enough at something and truly believe then a musical montage will kick in and in a few short moments you'll be whisked away to Maui. This is the one I'm banking on courtesy of the fact my surfing is mediocre at best and a bloke that looked a lot like Mr Miyagi was checking me out for a long time the other day. I'm sure he's going to step in at any minute and show me how to paint a fence.

3. Burn rubber and cut down trees. Everyone else seems to be doing it at every increasing rates so why not join in? With enough wanton destruction of this World we can end any semblance of civilisation and throw ourselves open to the full effects of climate change. With any luck England will become a desert beset by the greatest swells this side of El Salvador.

4. Marry someone who doesn't speak English. Literally anyone. Just marry them. With any luck after the wedding ceremony you can check their passport as you board the flight for your honeymoon and be on your way to surf Eden for a life in Central America, South East Asia or Greenland. Greenland? Oh no, what have you done.

5. Die. Yes it's extreme but hear me out. There are a lot of people on this planet that keep banging on about the afterlife being amazing. I, being an atheist, don't believe them but am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt should the other 4 options not work out for me. I mean if it's a choice between another winter in Boscombe and the unknown that is the perfect afterlife well, there's only one winner.
Let's see if we can't make it happen.

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